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[Jun. 21st, 2008|03:25 pm] |
I've been so anxious I can't sleep, every time my eyes close i have a terrible nightmare, driving is becoming more and more difficult because I panic every now and then and my mind completely goes blank, just when I need it most, I can't talk to my mom because I'm afraid of her getting mad at me for one reason or another, causing me to have a complete and utter breakdown. Alcohol is being too good to me.
I need to get out of jersey, these are probably symptoms of being locked in this fucking state for too long. When I am in the city I feel so much better and like I can do anything. Here, I cant do shit.
I think I may have found a place to live in Bay Ridge next year and the rent would be extremely cheap and I'd live with good people. I'm just nervous it wont work out somehow and my hopes are already so up that I wouldn't be able to take it not working out. Not to mention I would be a little stranded.
My job is shit. It's easy as can be but I barely work and get paid so little. I already went through my check that I earned in two weeks in two days.
But, things are generally okay. My brother is free and I have a box of 100 popsicles. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|11:47 pm] |
I haven't had one of those entries where I describe events in great detail in awhile and I am in the mood to do that now because the past two days held very interesting events.
Yesterday I went into the city for the Screaming Females so at the Tompkins House. When I first got to the city I didnt really have anything to do while I waited for someone to come meet me so I went to the park and sat under a tree and read. It started raining really hard but the sun was still out and it was fucking magical.
After awhile some guy came up to me and said he liked my heart tattoo and that he just wrote a poem about hearts and thought I should hear it. He read a bunch of his poems. They were pretty sounding and simple. We talked for a long long time and he kept giving me fliers for art shows he thought I'd like. When he left he handed me a picture he had been drawing while we were talking. Its a sketch of a tree and an outline of an angel under it and he wrote "Where the angels meet." and signed it. It's really great.
Finally Greg called and I went to meet him at Astor and two of his friends were there. While we waited for Nina to get off the 6 it started raining really hard and thundering and lightning and the wind was practically blowing me away. I love storms in the city because its the only place that I've convinced myself that I wont get struck by lighting, so I can actually enjoy the storm.
When Nina got off the train we all went to the church yard to chill for a little before the show. There were about a dozen punks on the church steps and Greg was playing ameobix on his new boom box that he brings everywhere to provide a soundtrack to life. Thats pretty great too.
Greg and his two friends had to leave so we rounded up the rest of the kids and headed to the show. Its absolutely impossible to go anywhere with those kids without trouble. Yelling screaming singing stumbling down the street, stopping every block or so for one thing or another and Suvy constantly lagging behind, completely unable to walk in a straight line.
I absolutely love all those kids, though. Some of them are ass holes and all but they are always always fun always looking out for each other, and probably the most real and honest people I know.
When we finally got to the show I bought some 40s and sparks and we went into the Tompkins house, which is always like diving into a pool of sweat and smoke and beer and music and kids and awesomeness.
Suvy passed out for the entire night, and I made sure no one messed with him but people were surprisingly cool with his crazy inebriation. This is probably because no matter how much of a drunk jerk he is being, he will always win you back with his adorable babyface.
After the show Nina and I sat on the steps outside of the house and had a sort of depressing conversation in which I randomly got sad drunk and everything thats wrong in my life came crashing down. Luckily that sort of went away when I walked down the street and found Suvy wearing my sweatshirt all cuddled up on the street in a ... uh, I'm going to say in a cage because thats certainly what it looked like at the time. He was leaning against a sign with a skull and crossbones on it and I drunkenly read it as well as I could. The only words I really made out were KEEP OUT and POISON. So I had to basically carry him over to the stairs and let him take a nap on my lap before we left.
Nina went to the fort and I brought Suvy to St. Marks so I could meet up with Greg. Suvy went his own way and I went to Gabba Gabe's with Greg who kept getting calls from New York magazine, which is doing an article about him and some of the other squatters. That kind of happens a lot.
The time between going from St. Marks to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn was ridiculous. We had some ridiculous adventures and didn't end up getting to Gabe's until after sunrise. Then we drank more beer, which was not the sweetest idea. But, whatever. I was really tired after that but Greg was really hopped up on one thing or another and wouldn't come to bed and was walking in circles around the apartment. I finally forced him to lay down and he seemed to be incapable of closing his eyes. He got up again and by the time I had given up and decided to sleep, everyone else was waking up and Greg wanted me to go to on a walk with him.
Still drunk at 10 in the morning, Greg and I walked to his parents house which was an incredibly interesting experience. I basically didn't understand what was going on because everyone was speaking very angry Russian and there was a cat that was excited that I petted her and flat gingerale.
We went back to Gabe's and decided to go on the roof. The thing about the roof is that there are stairs leading up to it and if you step on one part an alarm goes off. So, we had to climb up on the railing and climb over that part and it was actually one of the most terrifying things ever. It was really awesome on the roof though and we smoked a blunt and Greg couldn't stop talking and Gabe was doing THE most impressive Bill Cosby impression. Getting back over the railing after being on the roof was honestly one of the most terrifying ordeals and ever. Gabe heard someone coming as the first person was climbing down and so we all had to rush to get off the stairs before they came and oh gosh, panic.
Anyway, all of this made me miss the city and people and everything and I still havent slept so I'm thinking I should do that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|12:18 am] |
Every so often this happens. I want so bad that wanting consumes me. Most of the time I'm forcing myself to be okay with it. Lying and tricking myself into believing that it's okay, and whatever is happening is meant to be, it'll fix itself soon. But every now and then something triggers all the fucking hopelessness to come pouring out. Usually in the form of me throwing something against the wall and sobbing on and off for a week.
Summer has been summer and New Jersey is still New Jersey and nothing has changed.
At least the Ergs! get it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|07:10 pm] |
In celebration of finding inspiration at the worst possible time, I am starting a new personal photo project right in the midst of a shit ton of school work! Good plan, stan.
But first, an update, I guess. Things have been different lately. Very different. Yet hauntingly the same. That only makes sense to me. This is what my week is like every single week:
Friday: PARTY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Saturday: MORE PARTYING WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sunday: YEAHHHH LET'S PARTYYY ALRIIIIGHT
Monday: Fuck I have school tomorrow, don't I? Okay, I'm gonna stare at the computer for eight hours and write a few sentences of an essay every so often.
Tuesday: Fuck, I didn't do my homework
Wednesday: Shit I'm screwed
Thursday: At least I have the next four days to do all my homework
Thursday Night: PARRRTTAAYYYY
It sucks and rules at the same time.
I want summer to come so I have can have a Jersey girl summer and completely forget the emotional wreckage that is this city. I want to spend every day driving the purple bottle full of my friends and laughter and not knowing where we are going instead of riding the subway full of silent stares and crazies. And I want to replace buildings with trees, concrete with grass, noise with sounds, streets with back trails, and strangers with you.
I've been just dealing with feeling nonstop sad and accepting it, cause it could be worse. I can still feel happy while permanently sad, even if it is happysad, which actually sometimes brings out the best in me. So whatever, something is always wrong, it might as well be something I'm so used to.
So anyway. Starting tomorrow morning, I am going to bring my digital camera with me everywhere until, uh, next tuesday I guess, and taking pictures of things that interest me.. I'm thinking of posting the best ofs on here everyday, if I can. I still don't have a computer so I have been using Monica's. But I'll try.
Hold up, kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2008|10:26 pm] |
My computer is broken until I get up the courage to tell my parents. I almost failed out of my English class and I just got that tattoo which they wont be happy about, so I'd like to wait a little bit before mentioning that I smashed my computer as well. Soo, if you want to talk to me just give me a call. Please. Social contact is hard without the internet. How sad. Also, let me know about fun things happening because I wont be able to check the webz for shows etc.
Oh, and I'm going to be in the homeland on friday and saturday and then leaving for Puerto Rico on Sunday. Life rules.
Except not at all.
But maybe a little. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|05:46 pm] |
fuck
something drastic needs to be done |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2008|06:08 pm] |
My romantic songs playlist and my sad playlist has offically merged.
I found a song that expresses every complex feeling I'm having right now in the most painfully stark way. It hurts me to listen to it and makes me feel vulnerable and scared. It's offically my most played song.
At least I'm $232.80 richer. Watch me blow it on drugs and alcohol and food that is too expensive, it should be swell.
Oh, by the way. Last weeks paycheck was spent on drugs, alcohol and this:
Edit: flipped version! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2008|08:38 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Somethings last a long time- Daniel Johnston | ] |
I'm going to try to not be a huge fuck up. But, I've tried and failed at this pretty miserably. More on this later when its not 8:30 am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2008|08:11 pm] |
Yesterday may have been the happiest I have felt in a very long time. I think I smiled more yesterday than I have in the whole past month. Exploring familiar places, getting dirty, climbing up hills and tunnels and spiral staircases to find a new perspective was just what I was aching for.
Last night may have been the saddest I have felt in a very long time. Not even just sad, but desperate, crushed, hopeless and angry. I had a breakdown in front of a whole bunch of people who were in my dorm, ended up drinking wayyyyy too much and when that made me sadder, I decided to smoke weed until I couldnt feel anything. I ended up crying more, throwing up, then passing out. I woke up at eight this morning with the worst headache in the entire world and got ready to work for ten hours.
So it goes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|11:53 pm] |
Spring will make things better. Going away for a week will make things better. Moving to Brooklyn next fall will make things better. Right now I have to deal. At least I have things to look foward to, and a little bit of hope.
A homeless man in the park asked if I have faith. I said, in what? He said in anything, anything at all. It may have been the first time I answered no to that question. I wish I could run back there and tell him things will get better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|01:25 am] |
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I have nothing original to say at all. I am sad and heartbroken and hopeless just like everyone else. I never used to be this negative. What happened here? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2008|09:17 am] |
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I'm about to go to my first day of work. It is snowing intensely hard. I'm so nervous I think I might pass out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2008|02:37 pm] |
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My life is just fucking everything up little by little until I realize everything is about to come crashing down. My love life, money, health, school work, friendships all feel ruined past the point of fixing. And I'm scared. Always always always scared. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2008|05:34 pm] |
Okay, so, everyone, I'd like you to imagine something for me.
Do you know what a bridge is? Like in gymnastics? Its where you are bent backwards with your feet and hands touching the ground and your belly facing upwards, ya know?
Okay so, imagine a picture of a girl doing that and the camera is positioned at her feet facing upwards
and she has no pants on.
No underwear either
AND she doesnt have a vagina
( okay, now click here ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|03:40 pm] |
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Im in class. A boy near me just tried to take his sweatshirt off but took off his shirt too. I was the only one who saw and had to tell someone. It was hilarious and sexy. Hilarexy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|01:11 pm] |
I'm better. I'm learning to make myself feel better on my own without help from anyone else. It's actually kinda working out.
But I have to admit, Kimya Dawson is helping a whole lot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|07:58 pm] |
I have no idea what to say. I feel completely drained and in need of some sort of change.
I'm going to clean my room and try not to cry or else I will start figuring out why the hell I feel like this.
This journal is stupid. I'm going to start keeping a paper one soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2008|02:30 pm] |
My word for this new year is accomplish. I want to feel like I've done something worthwhile every now and then instead of doing just enough to get by. I've made so many resolutions this year. Basically I just want to be a better person and I want to be proud of myself. That is something that I rarely ever feel. How can I ever feel proud for doing the bare minimum or just barely getting by? I'm going to completely give myself to my art and activism.
Last night was amazing. We all completely over indulged ourselves and it was fantastic. I danced past the point of my feet hurting, and smoked passed the point of loosing gravity and drank myself dizzy and I dont regret it. It was the perfect goodbye to a over indulgent year.
I'm so glad I found all you goatgirls. I'm completely terrified to think of the situation I would be in without all of you.
2008 will be hard. Incredibly hard. I think a lot of things will happen and we will have to constantly remember they are probably for the better.
I don't ever want to stop being ridiculous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2007|03:15 pm] |
Scratch that last entry.
Thats the last time I ever pick up a heads down penny |
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| Well, this is new |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|11:56 pm] |
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Im....oh what is it called againnn... happy? |
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shannonshakes's journal